Here we go with another Tuesday,
Last week I had three duck jokes, but this week is dismal so . . . here come the chicken jokes:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Here's the story, Henrietta was a chicken one day she heard the farmer saying "If this chicken does not lay eggs we will have to kill her."
When Henrietta heard this, she crossed the road and went to the farmer’s market bought a carton of eggs and raced across the road back to the farm. Every day she will do this. That is why the chicken crossed the road.
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a chicken sitting next to him. "Are you a chicken?" asked the man, surprised.
What are you doing at the movies?"
The chicken replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Here’s an ambiguous sentence for you: “Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.” Does that mean, 'Because the agency oversaw the company’s behavior, they imposed a penalty for some transgression' or does it mean, 'Because the agency was inattentive, they overlooked the misbehavior and gave it their approval by default'? We’ve stumbled into the looking-glass world of “contronyms”—words that are their own antonyms.
1. Sanction can mean ‘give official permission or approval for or conversely, ‘impose a penalty on.’
2. Oversight is the noun form of two verbs with contrary meanings, “oversee” and “overlook.” means ‘supervise’ “Overlook” usually means the opposite: ‘to fail to see or observe; to pass over without noticing; to disregard, ignore.’
3. Left can mean either remaining or departed.
4. Dust, means either to add or to remove the thing in question. Only the context will tell you which it is. When you dust are you applying dust or removing it? It depends whether you’re dusting the crops or the furniture.
5. Seed can also go either way. If you seed the lawn you add seed, but if you seed a tomato you remove them.
6. Stone is another verb to use with caution. You can stone some peaches, but please don’t stone your neighbor (even if he says he likes to get stoned).
7. Trim can also mean either adding or taking away. Let say you’re trimming the tree are you using tinsel or a chain saw?
8. Cleave meaning ‘to cling to or adhere,’ “Cleave,” with the contrary meaning ‘to split or sever (something), ‘ as you might do with a cleaver.
9. Resign meaning ‘to quit,’ is spelled the same as “resign,” meaning ‘to sign up again,’ but it’s pronounced differently.
10. Fast can mean "moving rapidly," as in "running fast," or ‘fixed, unmoving,’ as in "holding fast."
11. Off means ‘deactivated,’ as in "to turn off," but also ‘activated,’ as in "The alarm went off."
12. Weather can mean ‘to withstand or come safely through,’ as in “The company weathered the recession,” or it can mean ‘to be worn away’: “The rock was weathered.”
13. Screen can mean ‘to show’ (a movie) or ‘to hide’ (an unsightly view).
14. Help means ‘assist,’ unless you can’t help doing something, when it means ‘prevent.’
15. Clip can mean "to bind together" or "to separate."
16. Continue usually means to persist in doing something, but as a legal term it means stop a proceeding temporarily.
17. Fight with can be interpreted three ways. “He fought with his mother-in-law” could mean "They argued," "They served together in the war," or "He used the old battle-ax as a weapon."
18. Go means "to proceed," but also "give out or fail," i.e., “This car could really go until it started to go.”
19. Hold up can mean "to support" or "to hinder": “What a friend! When I’m struggling to get on my feet, he’s always there to hold me up.”
20. Out can mean "visible" or "invisible." For example, “It’s a good thing the full moon was out when the lights went out.”
21. Out of means "outside" or "inside": “I hardly get out of the house because I work out of my home.”
22. Bitch, can derisively refer to a woman who is considered overly aggressive or domineering, or it can refer to someone passive or submissive.
23. Peer is a person of equal status as in a jury of one’s peers, but some peers are more equal than others, like the members of the peerage, the British or Irish nobility.
24. Toss out could be either "to suggest" or "to discard": “I decided to toss out the idea.”
The contronym (also spelled “contranym”) goes by many names, including “auto-antonym,” “antagonym,” “enantiodrome,” “self-antonym,” “antilogy” and “Janus word” (from the Roman god of beginnings and endings, often depicted with two faces looking in opposite directions). Can’t get enough of them? The folks at Daily Writing Tips have rounded up even more.
Another one for the chickens . . .
The Library One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk."
The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk."
The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk"
But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going.
The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"
It is time to sneak in this weeks invention that changed the world. So you want a nice cold drink on a hod day? Your refrigerator works on a simple principle; the cold liquid inside your fridge’s coils absorbs heat, then evaporates into a gas and passes into coil on the outside of the fridge, where it releases the heat into the room, cools back down, and moves back inside the fridge again to repeat, the entire process.
Thanks to this key behavior of matter, getting a cold drink, preserving leftovers or keeping meat frozen is easy today, but for much of human civilization, all those things were very hard. If you were a rich ancient Roman, for instance or a medieval king, you could have people cool you drink and food with ice and snow carted down from the mountains. Some wealthy people also had holes dug in the ground and lined with wood and straw when packed with snow and ice. This was the only means of refrigeration through most of history.
People preserved food by fermentation packing in oil, pickling, salting and smoking. This problem was that all these methods changed the character, texture and taste of food. It was generally impossible to keep the food tasting fresh.
The theory that you could build a mechanism that could remove heat from an enclosed space by applying the principles of physics as in modern refrigeration, was first demonstrated by William Cullen at Scotland’s University of Glasgow in 1748. In 1805 Oliver Evans, an American inventor, designed the first refrigeration machine, Jacob Perkins, also an American inventor, built the first practical refrigerator in 1834.
Refrigerators from the late 1800s until 1929 used liquefied toxic gases such as ammonia, methyl chloride and sulfur dioxide, which sometimes cause death when they leaked out. In 1929, refrigerator makers replaced these gases with the gas Freon, a chlorofluorocarbon, which quickly became the standard for all refrigerators until the 1980s, when it was discovered that leaked Freon damaged Earth’s ozone layer. Refrigerators today use safer refrigerants made from fluorine instead of chlorine that do not harm the ozone layer. Examples include chlorofluorocorbon (CFC), hydrochlorofluorocarbon (HCFC), hydrofluorocarbon, perfluorocarbon (PFC) and various gas blends of ammonia and carbon dioxide.
I am not sure if I mentioned this being old and forgetful but one of the things I like to eat is fried rice. In my younger days 20s to 30s it was not unusual for me after an evening of drinking to stop at a restaurant for a plate of fried rice with a fried egg on top. Approximately 15% of my life was spent in Asian countries.
Fried rice can be made from almost all leftovers as long as one is rice.
3 tablespoons neutral oil, like canola or grapeseed
1 medium onion, peeled and roughly chopped
1 red bell pepper, stemmed, cored and roughly chopped
2 carrots, peeled and finely minced
1 tablespoon minced garlic, or to taste
1 cup peas (defrost if frozen)
1 tablespoon minced ginger, or to taste
3 to 4 cups cooked white rice, cooled
2 eggs, lightly beaten
¼ cup Shaoxing wine, or water
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon sesame oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
½ cup minced cilantro or scallions
Put 1 tablespoon of the oil in a wok or a large skillet, and turn heat to high. When it begins to shimmer, add onion, pepper and carrots and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened and beginning to brown, 5 to 10 minutes. With a slotted spoon, remove vegetables to a bowl.
Drain peas if necessary, and add them to skillet; cook, shaking pan, for about a minute, or until hot. Remove them to the bowl.
Put remaining oil in the skillet, followed by garlic and ginger. When the mixture is fragrant, about 15 seconds later, add the rice, breaking up clumps with a spoon as you go along and tossing it with oil. When the rice is well coated, make a well in the center and break the eggs into it. Scramble these, then stir into the rice.
Return vegetables to the skillet and stir to integrate. Add wine or water and cook, stirring, for approximately 1 minute. Add soy sauce and sesame oil, then taste and add salt and pepper if necessary. Turn off heat, stir in the cilantro and serve.
Some interesting history . . .
At its height, the Portuguese empire spanned four continents, with territory everywhere from Rio de Janeiro to Macau. The first global empire, Portugal's mastery of the seas began in earnest in the 1400s, when the relatively small and isolated country sought to find new trade routes with Europe and the rest of the world. Its first major success came in 1488, when Portuguese explorer Bartolomeu Dias rounded the southern tip of Africa. Ten years later, Vasco da Gama reached India. The ensuing centuries would witness Portuguese navigators establishing relations and trade with countries as far as Japan.
By the middle of the 18th century, Portugal's capital of Lisbon was the fifth-most populous city in Europe, its port the third-busiest. It was one of, if not the, wealthiest cities in the world. It might still be, as Mark Molesky reveals in This Gulf of Fire: The Destruction of Lisbon, or Apocalypse in the Age of Science and Reason, if not for an unspeakable catastrophe in 1755 that would leave the city leveled, the empire crippled, and the course of Western civilization forever altered.
WHAT HAPPENED IN LISBON
Just before 10 a.m. on November 1, 1755—All Saints' Day—a fault line 200 miles or so off the Iberian Coast ruptured, releasing the energy equivalent of 32,000 Hiroshima atomic bombs. So powerful was the earthquake that its effects were felt from the Azores to Sweden. Lisbon suffered the worst of it. "It began as a slight tremor, followed by a dull and persistent roar," writes Molesky. "Over the course of the next few minutes—and the arrival of two additional tremors—[the earthquake] would bring one of the greatest cities of Europe to its knees." It is thought to have measured up to a 9.2 on the Richter scale.
The city was obliterated. Ten thousand people were dead beneath the ruins of churches, houses, and markets. As the dust settled, the survivors pulled themselves free and gathered to witness and mourn what, even today, must have felt like the apocalypse. Then the tsunami hit.
The Atlantic Ocean rarely produces tsunamis, so the people of Lisbon would have been as unprepared for the tidal wave as they were for the earthquake. It seemed to come from nowhere, this wall of water, and so terrible was the tsunami that people as far away as Brazil were killed. Hundreds of the Lisbon earthquake's survivors emerged from rubble only to be pulled into the Tagus river and sucked into the Atlantic Ocean. This was a mere 30 minutes after the earthquake.
Then the fires came. There was no electricity in 1755, but there were an awful lot of candles, and they were all lit to celebrate All Saints' Day. Likewise, stoves and hearths had been primed with strong fires to celebrate the feast day. When the earthquake first hit, those candles and stoves were knocked to the ground, causing hundreds of small fires across the city. With the entirety of the city now reduced to kindling, not only did the fires spread, but they joined to create a literal firestorm that was so powerful in its thirst for oxygen that it could asphyxiate people 100 feet from the blaze—before incinerating them. Thousands of people trapped in rubble—people who had just survived the worst earthquake in European history, and who then survived a rare and terrible tsunami—were burned alive. The firestorm raged for a week, and smaller fires lingered for weeks after. In all, up to 40,000 people were killed in what the day before was the richest, most opulent city in Europe. The city would lay in ruin for years.
If you are interested in the topic you might go to http://www.mentalfloss.com/article/79188/how-one-earthquake-erased-empire-and-changed-course-human-history
DID YOU KNOW????
The gasoline manufacturers clear about 8 cents a gallon for delivering a quality product in a reliable manner. The rest of the price is due to manufacturing costs and state and federal taxes.
The manufacturers need to be commended. It's the government who is ripping us off.
OH, YOU THINK GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE?
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.
You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!
This makes one think, and also puts things into perspective.
Diet Snapple, 16 oz , $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon!
Starbuck's Reg. Coffee 16 oz, $2.10... $16.80 per gallon!
Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz , $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon!
Gatorade, 20 oz , $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon!
Ocean Spray, 16 oz , $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!
Brake Fluid, 12 oz , $3.15 .... $33.60 per gallon!
Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz , $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon!
Pepto Bismol, 4 oz, $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!
Whiteout, 7 oz , $1.39 ......... $25.42 per gallon!
Scope, 1.5 oz , $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon!
And this is the REAL KICKER.
Evian water, 9 oz , $1.49 ...$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for a gallon of WATER!!
and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So they can hook you for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at
you won't believe it but it's true: $ 5,200 a gal.
$ 5200 A GALLON!
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, less people will know...... !!
A wise person once said.
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit? A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
we’ve seen it before, but it’s worth watching again! To say that this guy is good is an understatement…..and funny too!
Do you remember THE JUGGLER?
Well, here's a little something to brighten your day.
It's worth another watch even if you've seen it before.
They just don't make them like they used to.
In the front row are the Speaker of the House, President and Senate Majority Leader with their wives.
Note the secret service guys behind the President trying not to laugh!
I don't think this would be possible in today's Washington!
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The wife chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Nine pages once again ... See some of you at exercise and the others next week.
Weekly Tuesday Letter can be received via e-mail from firstname.lastname@example.org with letter in the subject line.
Some older letters are posted on www.capecod-beaches.com towards the bottom