Another week, another Tuesday,
For about half of a century, I have been noted for chili. Chili was requested for almost every squadron party or hospital party I went to. I was given the recipe I first used while in the Phillippines, from a wife who was from the mid-western part of the United States. It was a chore to make as the process took about four days, as you started with dried pinto beans which took almost two days to get ready for the chili. She told me the recipe was from an old Mexican rancher who lived in Kansas. Even though the process was arduous, it was well worth it. While I was cooking the chili I would taste it and even have my children taste it. If they cried it was getting close to being perfect. The four year old daughter was easy to make cry but my eight year old son took a little longer.
The squadron parties would include personnel from the Army Security Agency, Naval Security Agency and the Air Force Security Service. There was a group of Marines who worked for the Naval Security Agency who would always complain that my chili was not hot enough. They complained until my last batch in which I took six days to make the chili. I soaked the dried beans along with some sharp red onions, some, like me still call a Bermuda onion in straight hot sauce for two extra days prior to getting them soft enough for the start of my chili. During the process I would break out in a sweat just walking into the kitchen. I was pretty sure that the Marines would not complain this time and I wanted them to cry for all their complaints.
I did not let my children taste this batch as I knew it would be painfully hot as it hurt me and I did not want to scar them for life. When taken to the party the Army, Air Force, and Naval personnel asked me to never make it like this again. However the Marines said that I finally got it right. Good Lord no wonder they are called Marines as that chili actually hurt to eat.
I was thinking about my chili and at one time I was a member of the International Members of Chili Crafters. I had signed a pledge, while living in Texas to never use beans in my chili but found the chili is much better using beans. I started to sneak in refried beans for their creaminess as you can not see the beans and noticed the taste also increased and from that time on I would always put only pinto beans into my chili. When I retired I noticed the people from New England seemed to prefer red kidney beans but for some reason I always disliked the taste as the kidney beans have too strong a bean taste. (Patty loves Kidney Beans!!! Go figure)
Last Monday, out of the blue I received a copy of the “Chile Pepper.” It is now in a magazine form using the old name. In the old days it was a paper sent to the members of the International Chili Crafters. It is full of advertisements for hot sauces, spices along with recipes. It is an improvement of the old “Chile Pepper” paper which was mostly where to go to the next chili cook off along with some advertisements. I see there is an interesting article called “Sauce and Tell,” From cranberry-orange hot sauce to a Christmas-inspired chimichurri, these sauces will perk up even the driest of turkeys. I will need to read the article.
One of my funniest letters, those that you can’t put down but need to keep rubbing the tears out of your eyes from the laughter had a joke about chili. Here it is once again. I hope my older readers survive the joke. If you do not, I am giving my apology in advance. I hope my $5 bet that Trump will win in November survives the bet as he just had a 90th birthday, and a reader.
Posted on 10/10/2001, 11:27:12 PM by Sen Jack S. Fogbound
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
I see there are now some notes to the chili posting. . .
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
Why waste a nuke? Let's just put some chili in Osama's care package...
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
TOO funny.................and TOO accurate. As one who spent a fair number of my years in Texas, I can tell you from experience that if you've never been to a Texas chili cook-off, you don't know what "hot", "spicy", or "ohmygodyougottabeshi**in'me" mean.
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
Judge #1 says one of the chilis needs beans. I like beans in my chili, but most native Texans have told me that real chili has no beans.
But, hey, after the pepper has scorched the taste buds off your tongue, what difference does it make anyway?
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
Heh...heh...another one worth sending out...heh...heh...BTTTTT!!
I normally go over to waxahatchie every year around this time to a chili cookoff hosted by the Griphon Motorcycle Club..I make some pretty damn good chili and a great time is had by all...p.s. if you know beans about chili...you know they ain't surposed to be NO beans in chili!!!!!!!!
Putting beans in chili is a hangin offense here in Texas...
beer and chili f***s are bad enough..certainly don't want no beans to add to the terrorism!!! jack
Comment #10 Removed by Moderator
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
Standing in the grocery checkout lane one day a Star headline caught my eye. "Man Spontaneously Combusts at Chili Cookoff after Eating Bowl of Hell Fire Chili", could this have been our poor Frank?
I was really suprised to see you mention Waxahachie.
I was born, and raised just a few miles away in Maypearl....but I digress.
"Standing in the grocery checkout lane one day a Star headline caught my eye. "Man Spontaneously Combusts at Chili Cookoff after Eating Bowl of Hell Fire Chili", could this have been our poor Frank?"
It wouldn't surprise me a bit! LOL
To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound
I didn’t realize I was so unknown.
I could not find the exact joke but this is pretty close and cleaned up a little for the reading of the public.
When Bush beans started coming out with “Texas Style Chili Bean Starter” I found that after cooking as on the can along with some refried beans and chili peppers and topping with some onions and cheddar cheese it was close to being the way I like chili.
I am not sure if they have anymore cans of Texas Style Chili cans available but I found on the site that Bush Beans a recipe that might suffice.
This classic chili with ground beef has lots of celery, chili beans and heat, and it's ready in about an hour.
1 can (16 oz) BUSH'S® Chili Beans
2 tsp oil
1 lb ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
4 pieces celery (chopped)
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 cups water
2 tsp salt
½ tsp pepper
½ tsp sugar
1 tsp chili powder (or to taste)
½ cup ketchup
½ tsp cayenne pepper or hot pepper sauce
Heat oil in skillet. Cook beef until lightly browned. Push to one side of pan.
Add onion, garlic, and celery. Cook until soft.
Drain excess fat. Mix in remaining ingredients. Mix well, simmer 30 to 45 minutes.
“Experience hath shown, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.”
“It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is today, can guess what it will be to-morrow.”
Do these two quotes remind you to the current state of our so call government of the people and for the people.
It seems to me the statement that for the government and by the government is a more correct statement during this part of my life. Yikes! I might be a Libertarian.
States And What They Are Famous For (Did You Ever Imagine?)
ALABAMA ............Was the first state to have 9-1-1, started 1968.
ALASKA .........One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
ARIZONA............Is the only state in the continental U.S. that does not follow Daylight Savings Time.
ARKANSAS...........Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
CALIFORNIA............Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
COLORADO............In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
CONNECTICUT............The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University
DELAWARE...........Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
FLORIDA............At 874.3 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in t he U.S.
GEORGIA............It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola....interesting!
HAWAII............Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents of any other state.
IDAHO...........TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
ILLINOIS...........Has a Governor in jail, one pending jail, and is the most corrupt state in the union!
INDIANA............Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters for Santa every year.
IOWA.........Winnebago R.V.s get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state name that begins with 2 vowels.
KANSAS............Liberal, Kansas has an exact replica of the house in "The Wizard of Oz".
KENTUCKY............Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
LOUISIANA............Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
MAINE............It is so large that it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
MARYLAND............The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892....... Bet you didn't know that!
MASSACHUSETTS.......The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
MICHIGAN............Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
MINNESOTA.......Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, that if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there almost four days.
MISSISSIPPI.....President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here... that's how the teddy bear got its name.
MISSOURI............Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA ........A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England .
NEBRASKA............More triplets are born here than in any other state.
NEW HAMPSHIRE.........Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
NEW JERSEY............Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
NEW MEXICO............Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
NEW YORK............Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk...........Surprised?
NORTH CAROLINA........Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
NORTH DAKOTA........... Rugby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America .
OHIO............The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
OKLAHOMA............The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON............Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA............The smiley : ) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University .
RHODE ISLAND............The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.
SOUTH CAROLINA.........Sumter County is home to the world's largest ginkgo farm.
SOUTH DAKOTA...........Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
TENNESSEE...........Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
TEXAS.......Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The hamburger was invented in Arlington in 1906.
UTAH...........The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
VERMONT..........Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
VIRGINIA..........Home of the world's largest office building, The Pentagon.
WASHINGTON............Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
WASHINGTON D.C.........Is the first planned capital in the world
WEST VIRGINIA............Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
WISCONSIN............The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sunday. Also the American Water Spaniel was created there and is the state dog.
WYOMING.........Was the first state to allow women to vote.
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