retirees answers if interested
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
Well Met this fine Tuesday,
Once again I need to write about my feelings regarding standing during the National Anthem. I can not speak for everyone, only myself. If you know me you know I spent 20 years in the Military (Navy and Air Force) and another 13 years as a civilian working for the Department of Defense (Environmental Protection). I believe in our country and everything it stands for. I also believe in backing our local police and law enforcement officials who defend our communities from any and all criminal intentions.
Lately I notice that most football games, my favorite sport to watch on television has stopped playing the National Anthem prior to the game. I believe this is to not offend any of their viewers. Myself I am offended by not showing our Anthem being played. I will check using the internet prior to every game to see if anyone kneels and not watch that game if either team has one or more players kneel while playing our National Anthem. I personally feel it is offensive to me, my country, my fellow veterans, the police and all Americans who truly appreciate this country. This includes the New England Patriots and any team they happen to be playing. If this behavior continues I will also not shop from their football sponsors. This past Sunday I only watched the highlights of the Pats game. I am glad they won.
If attending a football game I will in fact leave the stadium, even if collegiate or a youth programs. I think the players should man up and stand up, it is the right thing to do. For starters I will not plan to attend any games until all players are standing.
Last Thursday evening I listened to Roger Goodell double speak regarding this issue and I was very disappointed as I felt he could have ended this whole fiasco by having a player fined for not standing. Want to know why?
In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling for each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his blackout to avoid glare and made him take it off.
In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.
In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said "Know Jesus Know Peace" but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.
In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing "Find the Cure" eye black for breast cancer awareness.
In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem...)
In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.
In 2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.
So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression all of a sudden...
It is now time I guess, to write a little about food. I do like some rather spicy foods. Like Buffalo Chicken or Chili, to mention a couple. I do however think that food should not hurt. There is an extreme to spiciness that should not be crossed. In my early days of making chili say my 20s and 30s, one of my jokes was to have my children taste my chili and if they did not cry it was too mild. If they cried it was just right. I guess that would be the pain threshold.
I realize pain is a relative feeling and most of us have different thresholds. Mine I would guess is high as I rarely react to pain. I have seen some who just stub their toe and everyone nearby would have thought they were just shot. I have noted that all hot sauce bottles have different levels of heat. When back in the day and still working we had a bottle of something called “Dave’s Insanity Hot Sauce.” A small amount, perhaps the size of a match head would take most people to their knees. I think this product, if added to hot water you could strip floors with this product. For me this should be a product that is banned. I am sure there are those that would disagree.
I receive a quarterly magazine called the “Chile Pepper.” I usually read a few articles mostly to see if there happens to be a chili cook off nearby. After that I look at a few recipes that might be worthy of my letter. This issue happens to have two.
Garlicky Pico De Gallo
A simple recipe that is more or less for garlic lovers. To make it hotter swap the serrano pepper for something hotter say a habanero (I do not recommend) for less heat use chipotle pepper which is nothing but a smoked jalapeno pepper. I find most people can tolerate jalapeno peppers, otherwise jalapeno poppers would not be so popular.
1 medium red onion, diced
2 Roma tomatoes, diced
2 Serranos, seeded and diced
3 garlic cloves minced
½ cup chopped cilantro
1 ½ limes juiced
Salt and pepper to taste
Combine all the ingredients in a nonreactive mixing bowl and cover. Chill for 1 hour before using.
The second recipe might surprise you as it did me.
1 large Avocado, diced and mashed
1 cup of the Pico De Gallo recipe above
Serve both with Nachos for a tailgate party
They told me I had type a blood but it was a type o.
I tried to catch some fog but I mist.
Cartoonist found dead-details are sketchy.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make tea?- Hebrews it.
I doubt if my past letters have lead to the crime spree currently going on in Hawaii.
The thefts of Spam have proliferated to the point that some Hawaiian businesses are putting the canned meat in plastic cases under lock and key, along with the more conventional shoplifting targets such as electronics and Gillette Power Fusion razor refills.(Jewel Samad/Getty Images)
Last month in the Pearl City community on Oahu, Safeway customer Arlene Sua watched as a man suddenly grabbed eight cases of Spam and head for the door. She thought "'OK, this isn't real. No, he's not going to take it, no, no," she told KHON-TV.
But it was real. The man took off with the Spam and disappeared.
Elsewhere on the island at about the same time, three women loaded up shopping carts at a Long's drugstore with 18 cases of Spam and rushed for the exit. But an alert customer, Kurt Fevella, saw the attempted heist, stationed himself at the door and stopped them in their tracks. They shoved the carts at him and took off, Fevella told reporters.
A shop at a downtown mall wasn't so lucky. The Honolulu Police Department is now offering a $1,000 reward for a man (and an apparent accomplice) who entered a store Oct. 3, grabbed a case of Spam and punched a security guard who attempted to stop him.
The incidents are likely part of a growing black market in a state where the demand for Spam knows no bounds, said Tina Yamaki, president of the Retail Merchants of Hawaii.
To buy a can of Spam, you have to ask a sales person to retrieve it.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and when I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife wanting to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Believe me Mister.... as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
What Scientists Just Found Deep In The Ocean Is Seriously Unbelievable.
Off the coast of Egypt divers have discovered something that was thought to be lost a long time ago. It was said that the ancient city of Heracleion was lost under the sea for good. Well 1200 years later, off the bay of Aboukir, this ancient city has finally been discovered. The city dates back to the 6th century B.C. and holds some of the most beautiful artifacts you could imagine. Things like grand statues of gods and goddesses standing well over 15 feet tall and carved out of red granite, treasures of gold and rare stones, elaborate temples and enormous tablets. This find is enormous in the historical preservation community and has been commissioned by museums around the world. To see some of the artifacts visit http://www.thedailyberries.com/scientists-just-found-deep-ocean-seriously-unbelievable-im-still-shock/
This is an absolutely epic underwater find that has researchers scrambling to this part of the globe to learn about this incredibly beautiful Egyptian city. The fact that this city found underwater has been left untouched underwater for so many years is an amazing factor on its own let alone being a find as big as it truly is. These statues and artifacts are massive and nearly perfectly preserved. The detail in these pieces is truly beautiful.
This evening, walking the canal, I am getting very close to the perfect sunset using the Bourne Bridge, the railroad bridge and the sun. The shot only happens twice a year and I feel the sunset of 22nd of October will be perfect. The next time should be the 22 of April next year.
Very clever credit card scam! This is a new one!
This is very clever. `I would probably fall for it if not warned. Give this wide distribution. Just when you thought you'd heard it all. Be very careful out there! Beware of people bearing gifts.
The following is a recounting of the incident from the victim:
Wednesday a week ago, I had a phone call from someone saying that he was from some outfit called: "Express Couriers," (The name could be any courier company). He asked if I was going to be home because there was a package for me that required a signature.
The caller said that the delivery would arrive at my home in roughly an hour. Sure enough, about an hour later, a uniformed delivery man turned up with a beautiful basket of flowers and a bottle of wine. I was very surprised since there was no special occasion or holiday, and I certainly didn't expect anything like it. Intrigued, I inquired as to who the sender was.
The courier replied, "I don't know, I'm only delivering the package."
Apparently, a greeting card was being sent separately. (The card has never arrived!) There was also a consignment note with the gift.
He then went on to explain that because the gift contained alcohol, there was a $3.50 "delivery/ verification charge," providing proof that he had actually delivered the package to an adult (of legal drinking age), and not just left it on the doorstep where it could be stolen or taken by anyone, especially a minor.
This sounded logical and I offered to pay him cash. He then said that the delivery company required payment to be by credit or debit card only, so that everything is properly accounted for, and this would help in keeping a legal record of the transaction.
He added, "Couriers don't carry cash to avoid loss or likely targets for robbery."
My husband, who by this time was standing beside me, pulled out his credit card, and 'John,' the "delivery man," asked him to swipe the card on a small mobile card machine with a small screen and keypad. Frank, my husband, was asked to enter his PIN number and a receipt was printed out. He was given a copy of the transaction.
The guy said everything was in order, and wished us good day.
To our horrible surprise, between Thursday and the following Monday, $4,000 had been charged/withdrawn from our credit/debit account at various ATM machines.
Apparently the "mobile credit card machine," which the deliveryman carried now had all the info necessary to create a "dummy" card with all our card details including the PIN number.
Upon finding out about the illegal transactions on our card, we immediately notified the bank which issued us a new card, and our credit/debit account was closed.
We also personally went to the Police, where it was confirmed that it is definitely a scam because several households had been similarly hit.
WARNING: Be wary of accepting any "surprise gift or package," which you neither expected nor personally ordered, especially if it involves any kind of payment as a condition of receiving the gift or package. Also, never accept anything
If you do not personally know or there is no proper identification of who the sender is.
Above all, the only time you should give out any personal credit/debit card information is when you yourself initiated the purchase or transaction!
PLEASE Pass this on, it may just prevent someone else from being swindled
It might sound funny, but needing to add some fill to the letter this week, I decided to visit the World Health Organization, primarily to see if they had come up with a vaccine for Ebola. I know they had many samples to work with from the outbreak of 2014 that almost got away from control. Control of the outbreak ended in May 2015. I was following it in many of my letters.
I was surprised to see they had a minor outbreak in May of this year in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
On 9 May 2017, WHO was informed of a cluster of undiagnosed illness and deaths including hemorrhagic symptoms in Likati Health Zone, Bas Uele Province in the north of the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC), bordering Central African Republic. Since 22 April, nine cases including three deaths have been reported. Six cases are currently hospitalized.
On 11 May 2017, the Ministry of Health (MoH) of DRC informed WHO that of the five samples collected from suspected cases, one tested positive by RT-PCR for Ebola virus subtype Zaire at the Institute National de Recherche Biomédicale (INRB) in Kinshasa. Additional specimens are currently being tested and results, including sequencing, are awaited to describe the outbreak.
On 10 May 2017, a multi disciplinary team led by the MoH and supported by WHO and partners was deployed to the field and are expected to reach the affected area on 12 or 13 May 2017 to conduct an in depth field investigation.
The investigation is currently ongoing and information is available for only three of the suspected cases: The first case (and possibly the index case), a 39-year-old male presented onset of symptoms on 22 April 2017 and deceased on arrival at the health facility. He presented with hematuria, epistaxis, bloody diarrhea, and hematemesis. Two contacts of this case are being investigated: a person who took care of him during transport to the health care facility (he has since developed similar symptoms) and a moto-taxi driver (deceased) who transported the patient to the health care facility.
Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) for health care workers has been shipped on 12 May 2017 to Kisangani. Additional kits are currently being prepared and will be shipped as soon as available.
Nothing more is available so I assume the infected cluster has not spread.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"My family are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name and here I have to correct it!"
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party my outfit is just an old habit."
Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
3. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
4. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
5. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
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Old copies with additions by Walter can be found at www.capecod-beaches.com