"Beach Jokes For Beach Lovers And Other Assorted Beach Bums And Beachcombers..."
Funny Joke - The Girl on the Beach
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
Five Quick One Liners Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a minister and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the minister said, "Here's what I want you to do Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the minister and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the minister as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The minister recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman."You went to the beach?""Absolutely.""You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?""Absolutely.""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely.""And what were the first words you saw?""Chapter 11."
What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small andinsignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Submitted by Ernie, Houston, Tx.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."Thank you.
Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up."Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.""But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.""Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.""One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,""Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,""Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school."
Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a fellow with a Chihuahua are walking down the street . . .. . . when they come to a popular restaurant. The guy with the Doberman says, "Hey, let's go in and eat!"
The other guy says, "Are you crazy? They won't let us come in there with these dogs!"
The first fellow says, "Sure they will. Watch this!" The Doberman'sowner whips out his dark sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. The host says "Sir, we don't allow dogs in this establishment."
The guy replies, "Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog and constant companion." The host apologizes and seats the man at a table. When the host comes back, the guy with the Chihuahua, who is also wearingdark glasses, asks to be seated after pointing out his "seeing-eye dog." The host says, "Seeing-eye dog?
But sir, that's a chihuahua!"
The guy says, "WHAT? You mean they gave me a chihuahua????"
Submitted by Kevin, Dallis, Tx.
A women walks into a bank in New York city and asks for a loan.She says she's going to the beach for a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the women returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The women replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"